She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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