update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
