I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize