Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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