clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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