nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Randomize
