Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
