she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
