So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
