Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
