checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
