Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
