I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
