They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
