Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
