Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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