my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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