i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
