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I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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