I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize