Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
