I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
