i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
