LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
