I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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