I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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