Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
