things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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