you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
