Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
