my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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