this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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