I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
