And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
