id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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