i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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