The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
