Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
