Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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