Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize