My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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