i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
