If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
