Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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