I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
