is your mom at the bar?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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