On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
