Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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