My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
