he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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