We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
