I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
