I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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