I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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