cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
