HIV tests are more positive than that guy
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
