Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize