I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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