they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
