can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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